Margazhi

i seem to have lost interest in everything. Yes. existence is a bore. and a pain. There is a loss of meaning. Am tired. No motivation. I feel lonely. God has forsaken me. His silence is deafening. My faith is tenuous. Am disappointed and dejected. There is a terrible inertia. Everything is vague. words feel so hollow. commitments are easily given and hardly kept. i don't care. Am scared ill put my family in danger. my mom esp. Most of my friends live shallow lives as well. i think of dying often. Not suicide, but some kind of a glorious death that would give it all meaning. Abhimanyu and Rang De Basanti style. At times am way too radical, and at other times way too arrogant. So, either way people like to stay away. Am uncompromising in my judgments. defiantly so. All the hypocrisy and inequality i see freeze me. i feel too stuck to do anything. sometimes i punch concrete walls in the middle of the night unable to sleep. it doesn't hurt. Her betrayal should have been the last nail. But its amazing i've come out battling. with a lot of help ofcourse.

A faint winter light shines through. There is more than a flicker of hope now :)